-So, what do you think? -Wow.
It磗 for you, right?
It磗 for both of us. Don磘 go away.
Don磘 worry. There磗 not enough bIood Ieft in my Iegs to go anywhere.
Hey, it's Charlie. Do your thing when you hear the beep.
Listen, you lousy S.O.B., l will not be treated like this.
Either you call me, or you are gonna be very, very sorry.
l love you, Monkey Man.
CharIie?
Who was that?
Damn teIemarketers.
A teIemarketer who caIIs you Monkey Man?
I磎 on some weird Iist.
Okay, it磗 a woman I went out with once and she got a IittIe cIingy.
You are a bad, bad boy.
And yet, you磖e aIways the one getting spanked.
Jeez.
Hey, it's Charlie. Do your thing when you hear the beep.
Charlie, it's Alan. Your brother.
No big deal, just wanted to touch base.
My wife threw me out, and l'm kind of losing the will to live.
So, when you get a chance, l'd really love to.... l don't know....
AIan, I磎 sorry to hear about that.
So, where you gonna go, to a hoteI? Wow.
WeII, yeah, I guess you couId stay here.
Okay. I碔I see you when you get here.
We better hurry.
Is she staying over? Because I may have parked behind her.
TweIve years, and she just throws me out.
I mean, what was the point of our wedding vows?
You know, 创TiII death do us part.创 Who died? Not me. Not her.
How did you get in my house?
Okay, CharIie, the key in the fake rock onIy works if it磗 among other rocks.
Not sitting on your weIcome mat.
Excuse me, but if you put the fake rock in with a bunch of other rocks...
it磗 impossibIe to find when you磖e drunk.
You know, I磎 a good husband. I磎 faithfuI.
-Is she? -Is she what?
FaithfuI.
Don磘 be ridicuIous. Judith doesn磘 even Iike sex.
I mean, aII she kept saying was she feeIs suffocated, you know?
She kept going on and on, 创I磎 suffocating.创
What does that mean, you know? Has a woman ever said that to you?
WeII, yeah.
But not a woman who doesn磘 Iike sex.
And Jake. This couId just destroy Jake.
-Jake? -My son.
Teenagers are pretty sophisticated these days.
He磗 10.
-CharIie, I磎 going to go. -No.
You two need to taIk. I碔I caII you tomorrow.
I磎 sorry to hear about you and your wife.
Come on, you Ieaving isn磘 gonna bring them back together again.
Look, okay, this is just untiI things settIe out.
A coupIe of days max. She wiII come to her senses.
Yeah. That磗 what women do.
Look, you can have the guest room. I碔I grab some sheets.
That磗 okay. I brought my own.
You brought your own sheets?
I Iike my sheets.
-Okay, then, good night. -No, wait.
I mean, we hardIy ever taIk to each other.
What do you want to taIk about, AIan?
I don磘 know.
I was named Chiropractor of the Year...
by the San Fernando VaIIey Chiropractic Association.
-Okay, then. Good night. -No.
CharIie, what about you?
What磗 going on with you?
WeII, AIan, there磗 not much to say.
I make a Iot of money for doing very IittIe work.
I sIeep with beautifuI women who don磘 ask about my feeIings.
I drive a Jag, I Iive at the beach...
and sometimes in the middIe of the day, for no reason at aII...
I Iike to make myseIf a big pitcher of margaritas...
and take a nap out on the sundeck.
-Okay, then. Good night, CharIie. -Good night.
Good night, Monkey Man.
Boy, is your eye red.
You shouId see it from in here.
What are you doing here, Jake?
My mom brought me.
WiII you take me swimming in the ocean?
Can we taIk about it after my head stops expIoding?
Why is your head expIoding?
WeII, I drank a IittIe too much wine Iast night.
If it makes you feeI bad, why do you drink it?
Nobody Iikes a wiseass, Jake.
You have to put $1 in the swear jar. You said 创ass.创
TeII you what...
here磗 $20. That shouId cover me tiII Iunch.
Now, what I think you need to do is to make a Iist.
On one side, put what you don磘 Iike about our marriage...
and on the other side, what you do.
AIan, sometimes when I think about coming home to you...
I start crying in my car.
Okay, that wouId probabIy go on the 创don磘创 side.
Why wouId I Iie? The ocean is cIosed today.
For God磗 sake, do you think you couId put some pants on?
Look at me, Judy. I couId bareIy make it down the stairs.
CharIie, couId you and Jake....
Yeah, come on, kid, we碔I have breakfast out on the deck.
I aIready had breakfast.
-Okay, we碔I have Iunch. -It磗 not Iunchtime.
That磗 his head expIoding.
Judith, I can change.
PIease, AIan. You are the most rigid, infIexibIe...
obsessive, anaI-retentive man I磛e ever met.
Rigid and infIexibIe?
Don磘 you think that磗 a IittIe redundant?
My mom and dad are spIitting up.
Yeah. It Iooks that way.
You磖e Iucky.
When I was your age, I couId onIy dream about my parents spIitting up.
-Your mom is my grandma. -Yep.
Grandma says you磖e a bitter disappointment.
Hey, sport, your mom wants to say goodbye.
Listen, he doesn磘 know anything about what磗 going on...
so Iet磗 just keep this to ourseIves.
Our IittIe secret. Why is she saying goodbye to him?
She磗 gonna be spending the weekend with her sister in Vegas.
So, we decided that Jake wouId stay with me.
With you?
WeII, with us.
I磎 hungry.
Is this gonna be a probIem?
I guess not.
Thanks. Listen, I磛e got to caII my office.
WouId you mind making him Iunch?
-Sure. -Thanks.
What are you smiIing about?
You don磘 have any food.
Yeah, but I磎 not the one who磗 hungry.
Who磗 smiIing now, shorty?
-You drink miIk? -Just with cereaI.
-Okay. -Not that miIk. That miIk.
-What磗 the difference? -That磗 Dairy Farm. We drink Dairy Barn.
Fine. Happy?
Why wouId I be happy? It磗 just miIk.
Cute. Keep it up, you碔I be on one of the cartons.
Okay, cereaI.
We got Lucky Charms, Cocoa Puffs, Frosted FIakes and MapIe Loops.
I want MapIe Loops.
You know who wrote that song?
-Your uncIe CharIie wrote that. -No Iie?
If I was to Iie, I磀 say I wrote Stairway to Heaven...
not the MapIe Loops song.
-You two are reaIIy good together. -Thank you.
So, does your wife sing, too?
-No, I磎 not married. -What a shame.
Wow. You磖e even better than a dog.
Dr. BIoom? Yes, this is AIan Harper.
My wife and I need to canceI our marriage counseIing appointment for this afternoon.
Yes, weII, something came up.
WeII, it磗 kind of personaI. I mean....
WeII, yeah, I know the point of these things is--
I磛e got to go.
-HeIIo? -Is CharIie home?
No. I磎 CharIie磗 brother. Can I heIp you?
Hi, CharIie磗 brother. I磎 Rose.
I磎 CharIie磗 housekeeper.
So, you磖e a housekeeper?
Housekeeper /actress/hand modeI.
I just do this to keep the woIf from the door.
You know what I mean?
Sure. Come on in.
Yeah, I can smeII him.
SmeII who?
Your brother. He has a very musky scent.
WeII, I碔I just Iet you get to work.
Wait.
No. It磗 okay.
Jake, buddy. Take a break.
What took you so Iong?
We stopped for ice cream because I磎 a babe magnet.
I got to take a squirt.
Why do you assume he Iearned that from me?
Because I Iearned it from you.
-Hey, thanks for cIeaning up. -No, it wasn磘 me. Rose was here.
Rose? You Iet Rose into my house?
She said she was your maid.
HeII, she gIued the damn cabinets shut again.
Again?
You磛e got somebody who comes in reguIarIy to gIue your cabinets?
You磛e met some of the whack jobs I磛e gone out with.
-It磗 not that big a stretch. -So, this is my fauIt?
Who Iet her in?
You磖e a deepIy disturbed man, you know? Move it. Come on.
I磎 deepIy disturbed?
Who came here in the middIe of the night with his own sheets?
At Ieast, I care what I sIeep on. Or shouId I say, who I sIeep on.
Hey, paI, of the two of us...
I碔I bet I磎 the onIy one who磗 sIept with a married woman recentIy.
And isn磘 that something to brag about?
Hi, Mom.
Do you have any idea how hurtfuI it is...
to hear about your own son磗 divorce on the street?
What divorce? What street?
How did you get in my house?
You stay out of this.
I磎 here to heIp your brother through a very difficuIt time.
How couId you do this to me?
Do what?
Now when I want to see my grandson...
I am going to have to make an appointment with Judith...
who, Iet磗 face it, was never very warm to me.
And what if there磗 another man there? Shacking up with her?
Have we even stopped to consider that?
I think he磗 considering it now, Mom.
-Here磗 your iced tea, Grandma. -Thank you, my IittIe angeI.
DarIing, I asked for a Iemon wedge.
AII right. Here磗 what you磖e going to do.
You and Jake wiII come Iive with me.
After aII, I磎 just rattIing around in that big house aII by myseIf.
That磗 very considerate, but as soon as Judith and I work things out...
I磎 going to be back at my own house.
Sweetheart, grow up.
Think about what I said.
You磖e my son, and I碔I aIways have room for you in my house...
and in my heart.
I Iove you, too, Mom.
-I Iove you, too, Mom. -Too IittIe. Too Iate.
-So, Vegas was good? -It was fine.
AIan, I reaIIy want to apoIogize for putting you through this.
I was wrong to bIame you for my unhappiness.
No, no need to apoIogize.
What磗 important is that we磖e here and we磖e working on our marriage.
You Iook great, by the way.
Must be aII the extra oxygen they pump into the casinos.
-AIan-- -And you were right.
I see now that the time apart did us both a Iot of good.
I know I磛e grown.
I磎 not that suffocating guy you threw out of the house...
four and a haIf days ago, Iet me teII you that.
Jake磗 doing fine.
You were concerned about him being around my brother...
but CharIie磗 great with kids.
AII right, Iast card, down and dirty.
King磗 bet.
-$1 . -I磎 in.
In.
I碔I see $1 and raise it $5.
You raised $5 on that?
-I caII. -I caII.
Queens fuII of nines.
Kid, don磘 you know what a fuII house is?
Yeah. And I aIso know what a psych-out is.
I Iove this boy.
And I think we磖e gonna Iook back on this as a new beginning for our marriage.
A rebirth. A renaissance, if you wiII.
AIan, I think I磎 gay.
AII right.
We碔I make a Iist.
On one side, we碔I put gay stuff....
I碔I see you...
and raise you $20.
-I think he磗 got you, paI. -He磗 bIuffing.
He aIways puIIs his ear when he bIuffs.
How about it, Mighty Mouse? You in?
Take him down.
CaII you.
I hate this kid.
What the heII is going on here?
You said 创heII.创
-Throw $1 in the pot. -What?
Hey, we aII had to.
CharIie, may I speak with you privateIy, pIease?
-Whose deaI is it? -Jake, go to bed!
I磎 out.
What is wrong with you? Are you insane?
Do you have any sense of right and wrong?
ProbabIy not. How was dinner?
How couId you put Jake in a poker game with grown men?
I obviousIy can磘 be trusted.
So, how was dinner?
I Ieave you aIone with him for a coupIe of hours--
I磎 just gonna keep asking, AIan.
Dinner was sweII. We both had the veaI piccata and she磗 gay!
Wow.
Most chicks won磘 eat veaI.
Why do I even try taIking to you?
Come on, I磎 just trying to get you to Iighten up a IittIe.
I don磘 need to Iighten up. The worId I Iive in is dark.
Dark and rainy.
And you磖e useIess in it!
ReaIIy? I wasn磘 useIess when you needed a pIace to stay.
ObviousIy that was a mistake.
Are you sure?
Maybe we shouId make a Iist.
UncIe CharIie?
What磗 going on? Can磘 sIeep?
No.
My dad says we磖e moving to Grandma磗 tomorrow.
Yeah, that磀 keep me up.
If it makes you feeI any better, you won $80 on that Iast hand.
$85.
$80. The house gets a cut.
I wish my dad was as cooI as you.
Don磘 seII your dad short.
He Ioves you more than anything in the worId.
You know that, don磘 you?
I guess.
How come you don磘 have any kids?
I don磘 know.
Maybe because I Iove me more than anything in the worId.
-UncIe CharIie? -Yeah?
I don磘 want to go to Grandma磗. I磀 rather stay here.
Yeah, weII, your dad knows what磗 best for you.
Okay. Good night, UncIe CharIie. I Iove you.
Yeah. Okay.
You got to Iove a kid Iike that.
I even pIayed him Stairway to Heaven...
and he stiII Iiked the MapIe Loops song better.
CharIie, I haven磘 seen you in two weeks.
You finaIIy got the house back to yourseIf.
Now, do you want to taIk about your nephew, or do you want to have sex?
Sex. DefiniteIy sex.
-Let me ask you something. -Yeah?
Do you ever think about having kids?
Whoa, we磛e got a good thing going. Can磘 we just Ieave it at that?
What are you doing? I thought we were gonna have sex.
How am I supposed to have sex whiIe your bioIogicaI cIock is going off?
Hey, it's Charlie. Do your thing when you hear the beep.
Hi, Monkey Man.
l was just thinking about you...
and wondering why we hurt each other so much.
Rose, it磗 me, Monkey Man.
-Charlie? -Yeah, Iisten, Iet me ask you a question.
Is there something inherentIy wrong with...
asking a woman you磖e invoIved with if she wants kids?
Charlie, we got a good thing going, why do you want to mess it up?
Look at you. AII grown up and back Iiving with Mom.
How good do you feeI about yourseIf right now?
On a scaIe of one to two.
I磎 not back Iiving with Mom.
I磎 simpIy staying here tiII Judith and I work things out.
So, one?
What do you want, CharIie?
I figured you磛e been here a coupIe of weeks...
you got to have bIood in your stooI by now.
So, I thought if you and Jake wanted to come back to my pIace for a whiIe...
-that磀 be okay. -Wait a minute.
Are you saying you want me to come back and Iive with you?
WeII, truthfuIIy, no.
I want Jake to come back and Iive with me...
but I figure you磖e a package deaI.
Thanks, but we磖e doing just fine here with Mom.
Come on. We can磘 Iet Jake be exposed to her on any kind of ongoing basis.
There磗 no ongoing basis. He磗 onIy here on weekends.
That磗 too much.
Piranhas can strip an entire cow in an hour.
AIan, we磛e got to get him away from her. I mean, Iook what happened to us.
And what happened to you?
Hi, Mom.
CharIie, you磖e a grown man.
Perhaps it磗 time to stop bIaming your mother for your own shortcomings.
AIan, the divan is not for sitting.
CharIie, get off the couch.
UncIe CharIie.
There磗 my good boy.
And what did I teII you about yeIIing in the house?
Grandma, I磎 suffocating.
Sound famiIiar?
You磖e right, this madness must end.
Here, I got you your own key.
I am not comfortabIe with this. I mean, maybe I shouId go wait in the car.
You磖e not waiting in the car.
Trust me, this is a great way to meet women.
I don磘 want to meet women. I磎 stiII married.
Come on, your wife磗 out meeting chicks, why shouIdn磘 you?
Your son is just adorabIe.
-Thank you. -You and your...
Iife partner must be so proud.
You磖e right. Go wait in the car.
EngIish